All in notes & scribbles

In the past two to three years, I've been feeling like a bit of an aberration of myself. Lost at sea, following the motions of the waves without any resistance, without a compass nor a docking port in mind, letting whatever and whomever crosses my path onto my ship and giving them control of it. Always playing middle field and never picking a side.

My heart fucking hurts. There's this built up pressure inside and it feels like it wants to explode but can't, it's trying to contain itself within these fleshy walls. It's a power struggle between the walls that are trying to contain this explosion and this explosion itself. Who knew hearts were capable of this...

Thirty(-two) before Thirty

Since it's a new year and only a little less than 3 years now till my 30th birthday, I figured I'd compile (it's never too late) a list of 30 (plus 2) things to check off before 30. They are an assortment of random things that I've always wanted to do or have dreamed of accomplishing (literally) and thus are very personal to me.

There are certain things (songs, scents, sceneries...) that strike something deep in my soul and I feel both an overwhelming sense of connectedness and detachedness to everything around me, if that makes any sense.

Feeling Inspired

I tend to go through these periods of intense inspiration and periods of extreme laziness. Eckhart Tolle talks something of this in The Power of Now - I won't try to paraphrase because I'm terrible at that so below's the original quote if you're interested.

[08242010] Notes From Delhi

There’s something so raw about this country that it almost feels unnatural. As a foreigner visiting India, especially as an American, there is a serious disconnect, or detachment rather, between the indigenous people who spend most of their lives in poverty on the streets and myself. 

[09012010] Notes From Mumbai

Today – a nice day, full of sunshine with brief, very brief periods of rainfall. After all, it is monsoon season. Nevertheless, it might as well have been one of the nicest days I’ve seen here since arriving in India. I got up relatively early, perhaps it was the damp, mildew-y sheets that woke me, but I couldn’t fall back asleep. It was only 0830.

[08262010] Notes From Goa

I’m sitting in a wicker chair at the Jewel Inn and Spa in Goa, India. Normally a destination for international tourists who come to party, rave on the beach, a destination where Russians like to come to get away from the cold weather of the Soviet… during its “on” or “high” season.

every word you've said tonight resonates with crystal clear understanding. they are the very thoughts i've had in my own mind, but had yet crystallized to the point of expression, unlike the fluid coherence you exuded in your communication of your reflections and sentiments to me.

have you ever watched a patient lying in a hospital bed? moaning, not out of pleasure, with those pastel-colored curtains - blue, yellow, pink - behind them? nobody, nobody actually wants to be there. it's this sense of responsibility, of promises made, this fear of dying alone that bounds us to the misery of confinement, behind ill walls.