los angeles - 1311

"can you give me what i want? it's not so much about sex as it is about you having this wall up. i can't just be your friend. it's either you give me a fair chance or i'm out of your life. i don't want to do this, but i might have to walk out on you renee."

"what is it that you like about him that i don't have?"

"my only regret is not having been so awesome as to just totally get you to forget about him."

"i loved you. that's your answer to why did i bother. but it wasn't enough."

i didn't realize losing a friend could give me such chest pains. it hurts badly. i'm not sure i understand it. is it possible that i could have i loved him as well? i don't know. i suppose it's possible, sure i loved him. certainly as a friend at the very least. was i in love with him? no, it's not possible. is it? why does it hurt? why is there this heavy pressure in my chest? it's difficult to breathe. the expression on my face is not at all telling of how i feel inside.

is this really the end? a brief but deep affair? a beautiful, fleeting memory? make this chest pain go away. it feels like heartburn, but much, much worse. it aches.

two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

from the first non-date, to lunches, to dinners, to walks, to that first motorcycle ride, to the second and third, to watching movies together, to going to the bookstore together, to the exchange of ideas, intellectual thought, abstract philosophies / perspectives / concepts, writing, books, music, to happy hours on the roof, to sneaking up to the heli-pad, to those hours spent in your room, mine, to late night drives in silence, to late night chats and texts, to all the other things we talked about doing but had yet done, to the final night when you gave me a first and last glimpse into your world... during this time, my existence was validated. you gave me something to look forward to every morning, something to think about every evening. i felt less alone.

a song on the cd you made for me just came up on my itunes. and i'm not sure how or why, but tears started to flow down my cheeks like a gentle stream. it wasn't even a sad song.

i'm afraid i did not take the road less traveled by. but you have made a difference.

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I know my place...