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the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night

i am apparently really bad at keeping a diary... apparently, it's been 84 weeks since i've last written something. but at least i'm doing okay at keeping up with my fashion blog, which doesn't mean much because it's easy to be narcissistic and post pictures of yourself. and that's pretty much all that blog is.

i've been so distraught lately what with the fact that i've graduated and still am yet to get a clue as to which direction i'm headed. i'm about to turn 23 in a few months, and what have i really accomplished? the years are going by faster than (hm... what's a good metaphor here?)... ah, yes, faster than an eager 21-year-old drinks his first shot (so cheesy). for a long time, i figured i'd have all the time in the world to do the things i want, to travel, to meet new people, to figure out a career and devote myself to it, but as i get closer and closer to the end of 22 and the start of 23, looking back at the things i've done so far, my perspective, to say the least, has altered. because i really haven't traveled all that much; my best friend goes to europe every year and by the end of this summer, will have been to five continents. and she's only a little less than a year older than me. i've been to two, one of which is by default (china, duh, because i'm chinese). i really haven't met that many new people; i've been in two live-together relationships for a consecutive five years, which you can probably imagine impedes one from going out much and certainly from meeting new people, especially new people of the opposite sex.

i might be on the right path for a career, but so far i've yet to see any money flow into my bank account, only out. and this doesn't exactly make me feel very secure about my future. to say i'm truly passionate about what i'm doing now (fashion pr) would be a bit of an exaggeration and not totally honest, but i'm hoping that i'm not fully enthusiastic about it due to the fact that i'm currently an intern. i know the best advice anyone can give is to do something you really enjoy doing and the money will come later, but what if you have yet to find that thing but you really need money to support yourself? then you're just fucked. and you find a job just to get an income, and you get stuck doing something you don't enjoy. pretty much sounds like the path i'm on now. great.

not only all this, but what i've realized in the last few months is that it's really hard to follow your dreams when you're in a relationship. i was supposed to be living in new york, or actually, i was supposed to have been living in new york for a few years now, but i'm not. guess why. there are opportunities for me in china, but i doubt i'm going. guess why. i could be saving $6-800 bucks a month right now if i moved back home to los angeles and got a job there (there are also more opportunities there in fashion), but i'm still in the bay area. guess why.

it's just hard to be in a relationship when you're young. i'm not saying it's a bad thing, because i do love my boyfriend and what we have. but sometimes, i'm just not sure what's more important at this point in my life. and then i get distraught.

VOGUE:: Sweet Child of Mine

VANITY FAIR:: Coffee stains on your favorite book, remind me of you so I can't take a look